Day 05
Good morning. It is currently 5:30 in the morning, and you want to feel as good as possible before the “Who’s Who” test. For someone like me, who has the worst text anxiety, this is not a fun activity. I think I realized my test anxiety was awful when everyone at my high school went to Ivy League schools except me. I obviously studied hard and took the test around 8 for the extra time people. When I was taking the test, I think I put almost every name in in the first 2 minutes. And then, my overthinking hat came in.
After I turned in my test, I went back to the hotel to grab a snack and then went back to the other hotel for the lesson. The lesson was important, but I physically cannot sit in a chair for more than 30 minutes without medication. (In fact, as an example, I have been writing all day for the past 7 hours and haven't gotten up because I am locked in with my medicine.) After the lesson, I was so excited to jump out and go on our walk along the Coisette. After the little tour, we had approximately one hour before we had to be back for Carson’s mother’s discussion. This led to another decision I regret. In retrospect, I should have gone to lunch by myself or with another group. The group I was with was picky about food, even pickier than I. When they mentioned the name Carlton, I knew I had made the wrong decision. The restaurant we ate at was very slow, and I knew it would take a long time because my parents told me so the day before. Being late heightens my anxiety a lot, and I hate it more than anything. Even typing about this trauma makes me anxious, and my body goes weird. I mentioned at 12:40 that we should ask for the check, even though we had not yet received our food. My legs were shaking, and my palms were sweating. I think I have had only 2 panic attacks worse than this. No one else cared that we were late, which made me feel worse. The rest of the group encouraged me to text Sami, but I felt so bad. When we finally got back to the hotel, I almost burst into tears, but I got my computer and got to work. Thank god Carson's mother was not there yet.
Dale and Leslie came in later and talked about the festival. I found it very interesting and honest. Dale had a personality similar to my stepfather's, which I liked because they are both very social, bubbly, and kind. After the meeting, we went back to our room to get ready for dinner on the beach. I unfortunately took zero photos from that, but I was there. I wore my least favorite outfit because I feel like if I don't like my outfit, I will be in a terrible mood. (And I was… but it was also Father’s Day, and that is the hardest day of the year for me!) After dinner, Ella and I went back to the hotel to chill while the rest of the group we were with originally went out. I realized then that Ella and I were on the same page with everything. We did not want to go out during the week, care so much about drinking, and came to make genuine connections to help us find a job. It felt good to connect with someone on the same page as me.
Although my roommate and I went to bed hoping for a beautiful start to the festival, we were, in fact, woken up at 4 AM by a smoke detector. I did, in fact, think it was our white noise we played to help us sleep, because Summer and I usually sleep with the white noise on at max volume. However, it was not, and while we did not leave the room, it definitely made our night difficult.